This past year has been a roller coaster of sorts for my family and I. Almost a year to the day we received a slanderous letter accusing my wife of adultery. The author of the letter couldn’t have been more mistaken, and his/her intent to destroy only brought our family closer together. Sadly, we all know that the most vicious attacks in the church often come from those who bear the name of Christ. It’s a shame that this brother or sister never came forward to accept the truth about us or about the wickedness of his or her deed. As many of you know, that event propelled me into somewhat of a tailspin. Following the incident, my wife and I made the decision to step away from the place I called home for over twelve years—the place where my spiritual life was born, cultivated, and brought into fruition. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt or deeply wounded. What hurt more than the actual incident was the fact that my wife and I heard virtually nothing from those we have called brothers and sisters over the years—those we were supposedly close to.

The months that followed were filled with intense wrestling—both with God and with everything I had always believed about the Church. Some of you know that there were days and nights filled with anxiety and tears; a large piece of my heart and life were painfully cut away. Looking back, I know there was a purpose in all that happened; I understand that God doesn’t always work in ways that we desire or would prefer, but one thing is certain: He is Good. I have often thought—and am becoming more convinced—that God allowed these things to happen to sever a tie I wasn’t willing or strong enough to sever on my own. As I think more and more about it, there’s really no other way it could have happened. I simply didn’t have the strength or will to back away from what was really tearing at my heart and destroying my family: the ministry.

For the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I’m coming forth from the desert. I feel like I have begun to work through some of my bitter feelings towards the church and towards those I’ve been wounded by. I do not want to be angry or bitter with people because I know that’s not where God calls me to be, nor is it a peaceful place to live. Likewise, I do not want to be bitter with the Church because I know that the Church is the Bride of Christ, His beloved; therefore, I am compelled to love her too, even with all of her imperfections. Beyond this, many of you also know that I have always had a passion for the Church (and when I say “church” I am not referring to any church in particular). I still firmly believe that the church is God’s light in this world, the body and “fullness of him who fills everything in every way” (Ephesians 1:23). I also firmly believe that it is His desire to use us (his church) to make known his manifold wisdom “to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms” (3:10). With that said, though, there are many lessons I’ve learned this past year that will, hopefully, bring me back to the church with a new perspective, heart, and motive.

As I sit here this morning reading and praying my heart burns with a flame and warmth it hasn’t felt in some time. Why does it burn? I can’t say that I’m really sure, but here are some thoughts that come to mind:

It burns with the fire of repentance. Over this past year, as I’ve wrestled with God and with myself, I have made a lot of decisions that have hurt both my family and I. I have allowed my circumstances to get the best of me, or I guess you could say that, in my hurt, I gave the enemy some open footholds. I am discovering more and more that I don’t quite know how to effectively deal with pain, stress, and disillusionment. Beyond my family and I, I know that my decisions—and my hardened heart—have been hurtful to God. Though I am still working through a lot of pain and confusion, I have a growing desire to be right with God. I am thankful for his presence, His grace and mercy!

It burns with a growing hunger for His Word. As many of us know, when we struggle in our faith, the words of the Bible can often seem empty or forced. This is how they’ve been during my journey through the wilderness: like a warm, dry air in a parched throat. I know that my hardened heart has shut the Spirit out, and I also know that the Bible’s words carry no influence or transformation in our hearts if the Spirit does not accompany them, for it is the Spirit that douses these words with life. I have allowed the pain and callousness to shut the Spirit out. As a result, I have refused to listen and have refused to be healed. For the first time in months, I feel the warmth coming back in. I pray that God will continue melt away my stubbornness and pride. The warmth and joy I am once again beginning to feel from His Word is refreshing; I am truly left with a thirst for more.

It burns with a passion to once again “be The Church.” Though there has been a lot of wrestling over this past year, I still have a strong passion to see and be a part of what God wants to do through His Church. I can’t say that I know what this will look like or what it means, but I am ready to get back in the game. Like many of you, I have my doubts, my complaints and opinions, and my reservations, but the time for getting busy has come. I have come to the realization—or I am still coming to the realization—that sitting and complaining and deconstructing all the things I don’t like about the church is really not doing me or anyone else any good. It’s certainly not doing God or the Kingdom any good either. Sure, there are obvious defects in the Church—and always will be; but, I either need to keep quite or get my head back in the game and propose/live out better solutions. My heart passionately burns whenever I think about what the Church has been and what it could still be under God’s divine guidance. God is faithful; He will use His Church one way or another. When He does, I don’t want to be sitting or watching or complaining. Nope. I want to be right in the thick of it (whatever that means). I am ready, once again, to step out and not just be a part of some church, but to help shape and bring into fruition what God intended the Church to be. Even now as I think about it, I have a difficult time sitting still.

It burns with a growing desire to love. As the Spirit creeps back into my heart, I feel a surging desire to love—love myself, love my family, love my enemies, love the broken and needy, and above all, love God and Truth. In 2009, I allowed many voices and forces to push me around, telling me who I am and what I am not. I have been tortured by insecurities and false names I’ve been given throughout the years. These evil forces have controlled my life, and I have allowed them to imprison me for far too long. By the grace and power of God I long to be free—to live in the identity of Him who has called me from the depths and knows my real name. From this day forward, I want to live in His forgiveness (which has been extremely difficult for me), but I also want to learn from Him how to continue forgiving myself. There will be no freedom and peace if I—if we—cannot learn to forgive and love ourselves. From here on, I want to learn to love my family more. Over the years they have sacrificed a lot for me, it’s time I reciprocate their love and devotion. Finally, I have an immense desire to love God and His truth, and to carry these things deeper into the world, which is crying out for love. If not us, then who?

So why have I chosen to share this with all of you? Well, first off, because I am very thankful for all of you—for your love, your patience, your encouragement and support. My survival as an individual and our survival as a family can be attributed to what God has done through many of you. You all have been a true blessing in our lives.

I don’t know where many of you stand spiritually, but my hope is that, through this letter, God will inspire you towards renewal and action. As the new year approaches, Tiff and I are challenging each other and praying that God will do in us what we never thought possible. We want to grow, we want to be used, and there’s nobody we’d rather do it with than those we love the most. Coming out of a trying season in our lives, we want this next year to be one of growth and action, joy and fruitfulness. In the book of Esther comes this powerful and prophetic verse:

“Mordecai sent this reply to Esther: “Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”—Esther 4:13-14 NLT

Tiff and I are realizing that now is the time. God has given us so much, and He didn’t bless and anoint us so we could sit and hide. Like Esther, we have allowed so many fears and reservations to keep us from living the Truth. Like Esther, God has prepared us for this moment, for this time, and for the place we are in. So, will we then sit and watch? Will we continue to sit comfortably while those around us suffer and cry out? If we do, God will surely call out relief from some other place, and his is my greatest fear: that God will pass us up and will see us as unfit and unwilling to carry out his purposes. I pray that, like Esther, we will see that God has prepared and ordained us for this moment, for this time, and that we will rise to the occasion. What this means for each of us, we must search and discover for ourselves. What the future holds I don’t know, but this I have become certain of: the world is getting darker, and it needs a Church that is willing to step out and bring the light into the trenches.

So, here is my prayer: That each of you may find a church where you can do this—that you will find a place that will cultivate and use your gifts. Pardon my honesty, but the hour for attending church solely because we like the sermon or the music should be over. If the Church is to fulfill her purpose and live out her calling, then each of her members must rise and step into the fight. A comatose church is an ineffective church, and moves forward only to be the laughing stock of the world and our enemy, who scoffs at the One we serve. God will not be mocked, nor will He be defeated. In His quest towards redemption, He will use any church that stands ready to answer the call—those individuals ready to go to whatever lengths necessary to bring his light and love to the darkest places. Let us be such a church. If, like me, you have struggled with the church, I pray that God brings peace and resolution. I understand that there has been much pain, but bitterness and contempt is not where God intends us to be. If our desire is to see change, then let us BE the change. If we have no desire to return to the church as we’ve known it, then let us surround ourselves and meet with those we can BE the church with.

Many of you reading this right now have chosen to be a part of Shepherds Staff. To all of you, I first say that I am thankful for what God has done through us this past year. God is good. I pray for God to use us more in the coming year—in Thailand, in Denver, bust most importantly, in each other’s lives. I have always been proud of and encouraged by what we’ve been a part of this past year, but I hope we as a “church” can grow in other ways. Shepherds Staff has done a phenomenal job bringing love to the broken and needy, but I pray and hope we can focus more on bringing love and encouragement to one another. We all know that a body that merely exerts itself without caring for itself soon becomes sick and exhausted. It will soon lose its heart, its passion, and its purpose. This, I fear, is what will happen to all of us—and may already be happening—if we fail to care for our own. I love Shepherds Staff, and I hope to be a part of it for as long as God wills. Service has always been, and will always be, a big part of who I am, but in my heart I long for more: for community, intimacy, fellowship, worship, celebration, and growth. I not only long for these things, I need these things. Tiff and I can’t live out this life in isolation, nor can our association with others be limited to just service; we’ve tried this and it doesn’t work. I know, for many of you, this is not your heart or conviction, and I don’t intend to push this on anyone. I am just sharing my heart and vision. As I said before, there’s no other group of people I’d rather share all of this with than you; this is why I extend the invitation. For this to happen, though, each person—each couple—has to want it. Maybe there are some that don’t, and that’s okay. But for those who do desire the same things, I pray we can take our relationships to a deeper level. Either way, we love you all and look forward to what the future holds.

Again, thank you for your prayer and for taking the time to trudge through this long-winded letter. May God be with us in the coming season.

With love,

Jeremiah

Let us take the time to pray for each other. Let us also take a few minutes this week to call or write someone and encourage them.

Miah

We are proud to inform you all that collectively we raised $3,000+ for the project. With that said, we want to extend an enormous “thank you” to all of you for your continuous support–through prayer, encouragement,planning, and giving. Through your generous giving we know that God is preparing to open spiritual doors for those living in Thailand. If you’d like to keep up with what’s happening out in Thailand, keep an eye on this blog for updates. If we can get internet access, we’ll do our best to post pictures and updates.

Finally, while we are away, we ask that you continue to keep the following things in your prayers:

1. Safe and timely travel

2. That God will open the hearts of those we will be be working for and with that need to hear of His love. Also, that He would fill us with His power and love as we interact with those who don’t know Him.

3. That God will create relationships in Thailand that will pave the way for future travels and work.

4. Pray for our families, that God will care for them in our absence.

The second order of business pertains to local events and possible service opportunities in the fall:

* In November we are looking to host a special dinner featuring Shepherds Staff. We are still in the initial planning stages, but we would like for all of you to be involved in the planning and organization process. This gathering will be a great opportunity for you to invite your friends and family to come check out who we are and what we’re all about. We’ll announce more details as they come.

*Also, in November or December we are wanting to plan a local service project here in Denver. Our hope is that this project will be something our families can be participate in together. We are currently searching out different options, and we are also taking suggestions, so please inform us of any ideas or opportunities that you have (shepherds.staff@hotmail.com).

*Again, please keep both of these events in your thoughts and prayers. If you are interested in helping out in any way, please shoot us an email.

Thank you for your continuous support. We look forward to sharing our trip with you when we return.

Shepherds Staff

On his blog, Len Hjalmarson quotes a book titled “Dissident Discipleship.” The quote is a series of questions about community–questions I feel are worth looking at and wrestling with. As you all know, my heart is not just missions, but also discipleship, church, and community. I find it difficult to “go out into the world” and make disciples if we ourselves aren’t growing in “discipelship.” Likewise, I find it rather shallow to go out and tell people about Jesus, the power of His Church (His body), and the strength of living in community with fellow believers if we ourselves aren’t tapping into Jesus, demonstrating the power of His Church, or are ourselves not convinced in the value of community.  Are we going out to share a message that we ourselves don’t fully buy into? I believe we are called to worship, imitate, and preach Christ. I also believe that we are His body (or church), and as such, we must wrestle with what this means. Whether or not the people in Thailand or here in Denver believe in our message will not be dependent on how many times we tell them, it will, instead, depend heavily on how we show them. As we reach out to the needy, we want them to see that the Kingdom of Heaven is about loving the poor, but we also want them to know that the Kingdom of Heaven transforms how we live our everyday lives-our habits, our thoughts, our routines, and our relationships.

Below I have posted the quote. Please read it, think about, wrestle with it, and share your thoughts. I am proud of where Shepherds Staff is headed with outreach, but, at the same time, I hope and pray that we will grow closer as a body of believers. Here is the quote:

How can I learn a spirituality that nurtures human wholeness unless I commit myself to do all I can and contribute all I can to building a community where we together are seeking ways to practice imitation of Christ? Or will I have to be content with a spirituality of desirable but finally optional ventures?

How can I find spiritual co-travelers who are willing to invest time, give attention, risk self-disclosing, and jointly covenant for a life of shared responsible discipleship? Or will I have to go it alone and learn that part of spirituality that is possible for a self that is seeking to transcend itself by itself?

* How can I learn a spirituality of humility and equality before God unless I live a community where hierarchy is unnatural, where dominance is not rewarded, and where superiority is neither desirable nor inevitable? Or will I have to claim my place in a spirituality of entitlement if I am privileged, or of disentitlement if I am not?

* How can I learn a spirituality of immediate and reflexive concern for the needs of others that seeks to do something about the unjust distribution of resources unless I contribute to a community where sharing is meaningful because we agree to consume less, waste less, do more with less? Or will I have to follow a spirituality that costs me very little?

* How can I learn a spirituality of dissident discipleship that takes risks in the imitation of Chris unless I join a community that offers support for maintaining a consistent and sensitive conscience? Or will I have to find a rationale for a spirituality that smoothes the contradictions and offers comfort for my unease before the call of Christ?

* How can I learn a spirituality of deep reverence for the preciousness of persons unless I practice such honor of others in a community where we are persons, not roles, to each other? Or is the cost of all of this too high to consider in a world that allows self-realization as its highest good?

This is a reminder that if you have anything you can give for our yard sale that we would like to start collecting it this weekend.  We also ask that you ask your friends and family if they have anything they can donate so we can have a successful yard sale.  We will be coordinating pickup of some larger goods this weekend and probably the early part of next week.  Let us know if you have any questions.

Shepherds Staff

This is the official Shepherds Staff blog. Here we will do our best to keep everyone updated on what’s happening with the organization. This site will also serve as a reference site and information hub until we can get our website up. We may occasionally feature some articles and thoughts from Shepherd Staff members. Thanks for all of your support and patience.

Shepherds Staff